Loosing My Religion

I lost my religion and my virginity in 1991 when I was 16. My parents were the sort of Christians who preferred camping and fishing to church. But I was very curious, so when I was 8 I began attending Emmanual Baptist Church in Blackwell, Oklahoma. I was a very devoted Christian with a deep sense of mission and purpose. When I turned 16 and chose to engage in an intimate relationship it sparked for me a spiritual crisis. Pre-marital sex was definitely a sin. It was the year that the band R.E.M. released the song Losing My Religion. The song moved me deeply. I performed an interpretive dance to the song at the state winterguard contest with a black flag and a black flowing dress.

In 1992 I was picked to join People to People Youth Science Exchange. We were to go to a major world environmental summit in Brazil. I diligently raised money so that I could go and experience the Amazon Rain Forest. Near the time to take the trip I was notified by the organization that it was too dangerous for a group of American teens to go to Brazil due to an increase of violent attacks against Americans in the region at that time. I was heartbroken, even though there was still promise of a rain forest experience as they replaced the plan with three weeks in Hawaii.

Upon arriving in Hawaii I was 17 years old and engaged to the young man with whom I'd been having that intimate relationship of which I spoke. I was beautiful and bright and very extroverted. There were three adult chaperones and approximately 20 young people from the US and Puerto Rico. Within a matter of a few days I found myself very attracted to a young man, but perhaps more importantly, very attracted to all the possibilities represented by a group of intelligent young people. Pretty soon I was deeply conflicted about the path I'd chosen. If I married the boy in my small home town I was certain that my path through life would be somehow limited and diminushed in comparison to the sense of expansive possibilities that these other kids were representing.

It was the only time in my life that I ever considered suicide. I would rather have died than to break his dear heart. Luckily I was clever enough to know that the bottle of ibuprophen in my suitcase would not be an effective out. The meds in my roomate's bag were equally useless. One day we were at a beautiful scenic overlook site. I think we were looking down on Oahu's North Shore, but I'm not certain. As I stood on the edge of the precipice I considered jumping. I felt deep energetic ebbs and swirls and felt as if part of myself did infact jump. I remember watching this imaginary self plummeting over the edge and slamming against rocks and ledges over several minutes. I could envision the black shadow which would be cast upon the day and the memory. I looked around and saw the families and the other kids from my group and I watched as their amazing Hawaiian experience turned into a horror.

And I couldn't do it. It would have been so damned selfish of me to kill myself like that. So I rushed back onto the bus and sat in the back and cried.

It was a most amazing three weeks. Each day was filled with activities designed to help us sink our teeth into science as well as the Hawaiian culture. It was the first time in my life that I noticed that there were religions other than Christianity. Somehow it had just never occurred to me that not everyone was Christian. But more importantly, I met the Goddess Pele. Both the scientific explorations of Hawaii and the cultural activities were centered around nature as the sacred feminine.

This made sense to me in such a deep way. It fit with what my parents had taught me before I chose to attend church. They had always said that we didn't need to go to church because God was everywhere and that when we were camping out every weekend we were celebrating God's creation.

When I was 16 I lost my religion. When I was 17 I found the Goddess. I devoted my life to the Earth Mother. But sixteen years after loosing Jesus I found him again. He was misplaced and burried under my anger at the history of Western Civilization. I have forgiven Him and the acts done in His name. Seventeen years after loosing my religion I have realized that Gaia is both the Mother of and Bride of Christ. That is why witchcraft and Christianity are no longer mutually exclusive to me.

The great divorce between Matriarchy and Patriarchy is being healed. In my heart Gaia and Jesus are developing quite the romance. And their romance is, to me, the most fundamental co-creative divine force in existence (at least in our corner of the universe).

All Hail the Newly Re-Wedded. All Hail the Bride in her green and blue gowns with white gauzy veil. All Hail the Groom whose light envelopes and impregnates the Bride. Their union is responsible for everything which exists on Earth. This is the Second Coming.